Today I just want to talk. I need someone to talk to. Someone who gets it, someone who's been there.
Nothing's really going on, I'm just waiting. I'm not sure if I should be waiting, but I am. The evaluator that we saw told me to go ahead and use her evaluation to get the Goofy One's IEP evaluation started and to just get the OT and Speech evals done before the eligibility meeting. I disagree. I think. I don't know, I'm not really sure of what I'm doing. I'm guessing at it and tossing up a heartfelt prayer that it turns out well. If not, whatever. We'll just try again next year. and the next year. and the next year. Until he gets what he needs or catches up on his own.
I'm hoping this time is all it takes, which is why I think I disagree with her opinion that her eval alone will be enough. I think to trust in that would be naïve. I think I need to get everything I can to show that he does need to be evaluated. I think the more I collect, the more likely he'd be to get a serious evaluation. I think with all that I collect, they'll at least know where to look, making it more likely that he gets an accurate educational diagnosis.
but then I question...
What am I even doing? She is the expert.
and then I think of expert after expert that we have visited and I just sigh. shake my head. Every one of them offers me information that conflicts with everything every other expert is saying, that's if they aren't too busy conflicting with themselves to the point I don't know what they are saying. I sit here with my hand over my eyes, I shake my head, and I hear the original psychologist, "They're punting. They don't know what to tell you." "stop chasing diagnoses, it's a waste of time." "make the school do something." "You know how schools are, they aren't going to do anything until you make them."
I'm standing at a crossroads with only the Scarecrow pointing the way. "That's funny. Wasn't he pointing the other way?"
and so I sit. and I wait.
I sit and consider the Scarecrow, I sit and consider the options. I sit at this crossroads surrounded by poppies and I just want to close my eyes for just a minute. Just a quick nap, just a little... and this whole time that I am sitting and waiting, falling under the spell of ... not ... nothing is getting done. You can't get anywhere when you're sitting on your ass.
It is so hard for me to do nothing. I need to move, I need to act, I need to do something. I can't just sit here and wait. Wait for what? No one is coming. Just me 'n' the Scarecrow sitting here at an impasse. The longer I sit and look at him, the angrier I get. I need to move, I don't have time to sit here decoding riddles.
I saw a friend toss a quote to another friend today, "If you're not angry, you're not paying attention." True. and I'm angry. Angry at the Scarecrow, angry that we have to fight in the first place, angry that it's just so damned hard. I'm angry but that anger is not going to do much good on it's own. You can run into battle with all the passion and fury your heart can hold, but you will still lose without the weapons to fight.
and so I sit. and I wait.
Like the lioness pondering her prey, waiting for the perfect moment to pounce into action.