Wednesday, December 11, 2013

Tired of waiting on the world to change.

These past weeks, I've been... yeah. I keep thinking, all I have to do is get through this week. Once this week is over, it'll be good. Next week will be better. Then by Wednesday of next week, I'm all... all I have to do is get through this week. One week of waiting bleeds into the next and before I even know it, I'm missing an entire month or two because I was too busy getting to next week to pay attention to this week. 

I have a friend who took a week offline. She told me she was going offline and I thought... are you insane!? We're BLOGGERS! She says it's just too much. she can't take any more. She wonders what there is to say that has not already been said. I totally get that- the same lame jokes, the same tired memes, the same arguments, the same preaching, the same fighting, the same judgments day after day after day. We've seen it all, we've said it all, we've heard it all... what more is there? At this point, we're beating a dead horse.

Then I look at my blogger newsfeed and... I check my facebook profile and... I check my page newsfeed and... I see it. It drags me down. This page fighting with that page, this blog regurgitating the same old material someone else posted not long ago, that blog going off on yet another rant about what's wrong with society... There is nothing here that makes me smile. There is nothing here I want to see. There is nothing here that brings me joy.

This online world is supposed to be the place I go to relax. The place where life is easy and I have nothing more to worry about than building relationships with the people I like. Spending time with friends, laughing, joking, sharing our troubles, offering and accepting support when it's needed but instead it's turned into a job. It's a place I have to go every day, no longer an enjoyable place to spend my free time.

It's gotten to the point that even the positive shit is annoying. I've been known to mock our superintendent for the glittery rainbow droppings he sprinkles all over twitter from his perch on top of his fabulous unicorn. I listen to him and his underlings talk about relationships and being in the people business, I look at them, trying to figure out their angle, trying to find the trick and... holy shit. they're serious. People still think like that? Really? Geez, I'm out of touch. Jaded by my recreational activities. You hear how messed up that is?

Fine, you know what, things are changing, right now. I've had enough of this crap. This feeling like crap. This acting like crap. I got comfortable. I have my comfy pj's, my cup of hot cocoa, the e-cigarette my husband bought to encourage me to quit smoking, and I sit at my computer ready to work. I ditched a bunch of blogs, dumped a lot of pages, hid a lot of friends (how do I have people on my friend list that I don't even know?), and in the middle of my Great Cleansing, I got a message from a friend wanting my opinion. My opinion knocked me on my ass. "You have an entire lifetime of possibilities ahead of you. The sky is the limit. You are completely free to be you, uncensored by anything but yourself. Dream big." Hey. Look. There I am. I missed that me. and...

I have an entire lifetime of possibilities ahead of me.

The sky is the limit.

I am free to be me, uncensored by anything but myself.

How could I have forgotten that? This opens up a whole new world. It opens up a whole new path. I'm looking to censor my world. I'm trying to change the people around me to change my view. What I forgot is I am in charge of my world. I don't need to be dragged along with what everyone else is doing, what they want, what they need, what they say... This is my dream. I'll decide where it goes from here.

I got up this morning and I stood frozen in the kitchen. 7:29. Do I yank Alex out of bed, shove him into clothes and rush him out the door in the next 15 minutes or do I wait, let him have his time and take him and the girl to drop him off at 9:00? I really need to get out of the house but I really don't think the school likes to be used as my "yard time." 7:29. If I take him to school, I'm using gas. I still have a speech eval, an OT session, and support group tomorrow. Can I afford the gas? 7:29. Bus or car? The clock is ticking. 15 minutes. Diaper, clothes, socks, shoes, snow pants, coat, scarf, hat, gloves... That's a lot of stuff to put on him in 15 minutes. I wonder if my husband has gas money. 7:29. Is that clock broken? Nope. um... then it hits me. What if the answer is none of the above? What if, for one day, I do what I want to do? If I could do anything in the world today...

*calls bus garage* "Alex won't be going to school today. Yes, all day."

Me 'n' Alex? We're taking a mental health day. Together. And starting right now, this very minute, I decided I've had enough. I am going to be the change I want to see in the world. I'm going to be who I want to be. First thing on my list of plans to change the world... Elmo's Christmas Countdown. I'll see you all later.

I don't know where this came from, so I'm just going to say it's Jim's.


  1. Loved this and I totally relate, it was just what I needed to hear today. Hooray for you for knowing what you need taking a mental health day, and taking a step back and being willing to take a look at things and make some changes. I'm with ya, needing to do the same.

  2. I wanted to watch tv this morning after my workout and before a meeting----- I saw that Elmo's Xmas Countdown was on but I just couldn't turn it on. Both my kids were at school and I'm Jewish and a grownup. If I had hung out with you and Alex I could have used Alex as my excuse to watch it--- instead I watched people's court. ugh. HOOOORAY for mental health days!

    1. haha, you would have lasted the same 3 minutes I did before he shoved you off the couch with his feet ;)

  3. Indeed. Fuck the world. We're unicorns.