Friday, November 29, 2013

Who the hell is Dave!?

I actually hesitate to post this level of parental fail on display for the entire world to see but, when has that ever stopped me? whatever. Here we go...

This is the story of how Dave came to know where we live.

Remember back in the beginning of summer I didn't know if it was such a good idea for Walter to get paid for doing nice things for people? And I decided that teaching him to be nice and helpful was all well and good but that he shouldn't be punished for helping by making him deny a reward that was offered? and working to earn what you want is just as important? That was fucking stupid.

The boys really like this Black Ops II game. They want everything that comes with it. Walter comes to me a few weeks back and says, "Mom, I want a mic for the game." I said, "Hell no." So Walter went and did some work for that mom who wanted to pay him for stuff and she bought him a mic as a reward. I would love to tell you how happy I am about that but that would make the difference between premeditation and temporary insanity. Sure wish someone had mentioned it to me before Dave came into the picture.

I was downstairs doing laundry Wednesday when I heard the Goofy Child talking on the game. He was talking to Jack. Who the hell is Jack!? Walter says Jack is an 8 year old kid and Goofy has been playing with him Wednesday morning and afternoon. Walter says he's got this under control, Walter says he's checked Jack out and Jack is cool. Ok, then.

I'm listening to the Goofy One, sounding desperate, shouting, "Jack! Jack! Don't close the door, Jack! Dave's out there! We gotta get Dave! Dave! DAVE! Jack! I said don't close the door! Dave's back there! Let him in!" I walk over to the TV and watch as Dave comes running and makes it into the door just in the nick of time. The zombies did not eat Dave. Dave was saved thanks to the Goofy Child's heroic determination to not leave a man behind. Proud mama, right here. Those are some awesome social skills, epic empathy. I couldn't believe what I just saw. Maybe this mic is a good thing.

Walter's got this. What can go wrong?

The neighbor mom comes knocking. She has a few minutes and thought she'd visit. I'm talking to the neighbor mom, uncomfortably aware that Walter is in the kitchen with us, while the Goofy One is downstairs with Jack and Dave. I put off the nagging feeling until I just couldn't take it anymore. I told the neighbor mom that I hesitate to let Goofy use the mic because how do you know who they are talking to? scary. I told her about Jack and Dave and she thought the same as I did... maybe Jack and Dave will be good for him. Maybe he needs this. Walter jumped in to explain all about how you can tell the difference between kids and adults and blah blah blah and he talked to Jack that morning. Jack is fine. Ok, fine. So I'm a little paranoid. Fine.

The Goofy One comes upstairs and I ask him about his friends. I'm still nervous about you know, possibilities so I want to make sure he knows about internet safety. I'll use his friends to explain. "Goofy," I say, "If Dave asked you where you live, what do you tell him?" Goofy doesn't even hesitate, "house number, street name, city." "No, buddy, you do not tell anyone your address." talktalkconversation. "Well, where does Jack live?" Goofy says, "I don't know." "Where does Dave live?" "He lives in St. Louis like me. and, he lives on *street name* like me! He lives in front of us! He told me." Walter asks, "Did you tell him first or did he tell you first?" "I told him then he told me."  Oh, good Lord.


Dave does not go to Goofy's school. Dave is 13 like Walter. Dave knows who Walter is because Goofy told Dave all about him. At this point, Walter's head is on the table, his eyes closed, the look on his face is effing priceless. I made sure to rub it in that Goofy just gave every detail of who Walter is and his street/town to a potential pedophile. Walter was not pleased. Yeah? well, welcome to the club. I want to know who the hell Dave is and Goofy IS NOT using that stupid effing mic ever again until SOMEBODY talks to Dave. and I swear to God, if Dave is not found and verified, I will crush that damned thing and NO ONE will ever use it again. I don't even care.

Walter and Goofy go downstairs.

Walter and Goofy come back.

Walter looks a little sick.

Goofy wants to know if he can use the mic yet. He needs Jack and Dave.

Walter sends Goofy on an errand and  waits for Goofy to walk away and says, "Mom, there is no Jack and Dave." WTF does that mean!? Apparently, Goofy named his friends whatever he wanted to call them. They are really Christopher the 8 year old as Jack... and who the hell is Dave!? Walter swears there is no Dave. Goofy comes back in time to swear he plays with him in the back yard. I have to ask- "Goofy, my love, my sweet boy... can other people see Dave?" Well, of course they can. Ok, I'm going to err on the side of caution and assume Dave is not the new Fido and send Walter back down to fucking. find. Dave. NOW.

Walter finds the 3rd person in the game. The 3rd person is not Dave. The 3rd person is Legit Wasted. I'm pretty sure Legit Wasted is not 8 years old. Christopher aka "Jack" added Legit Wasted aka "Dave" to their game. Well, then, go ask Jack. Christopher the 8 year old is really Christopher the 10 year old, and Christopher the 10 year old does know Legit Wasted. He's played with him for a while, Legit Wasted is 12. BUT no one knows Legit Wasted's name. I'm a little concerned.

Actually, I think I might be having a heart attack.

I feel an ulcer growing.

But I'm still kind of giggling over "Jack" and "Dave" and I'm wondering what the boys think of their names, since they have to know the Goofy one was screaming THEIR names. Could you imagine? ok, a little more than "kind of." It's freaking funny, man. Just as funny as his cousin asking him repeatedly at Thanksgiving dinner, "Why do you keep calling me Stephanie? That's not my name." hilarious.

Finally, Walter gets ahold of Legit Wasted. Legit Wasted is a 12 year old boy in South Carolina and he has no clue what conversation the Goofy One was having because they only talked about zombies.

I have no clue what conversation *I* just had with the Goofy One.

Yup, I'd say his ability to hold a real conversation, recall and relay information, and retell a sequence of events is right on target, wouldn't you? Nothing to be concerned about here. Good Lord.

Here's the moral of the story: Do not trust a 13 year old to monitor internet safety for a younger sibling and be sure to talk to your children about what information they should and should not give online BEFORE they give the wrong information to the wrong person. Even if they "don't have" internet access.

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