Saturday, July 27, 2013
When I just can't take another step...
I'm angry. I'm angry because I'm tired. I'm tired, not because I can't sleep, but because I can't stop. Get up, change diapers, feed kids, dress kids, clean the kitchen, start the laundry, feed the animals, break up fights, keep them safe, clean the house, feed the kids, change diapers, make sure they sleep, do the laundry, clean the house, change diapers, break up fights, keep them safe, feed the kids, feed the animals, start showers, do chores, read books, make sure they sleep, clean the house... a never ending loop of "I need, I need."
By the 5th or 6th fight, I can't even address behaviors as I lead them to their separate rooms because I know if I open my mouth I will regret it. It takes everything I have to keep my hands gentle.
By the 3rd time cleaning the house, it's so hard to be quiet. It's so hard not to be resentful. so hard to not lose my temper and say things I can't take back.
Tonight, I stand here looking at the kitchen. I look at this mess and hear my husband say, "I'm going to sit down for a minute." I look in front of me and I know what's waiting throughout the rest of the house and I look ahead to the fights with the elementary and doctors and the endless nights of homework... The rage and the despair build. I want to cry. I want to scream. I want to lash out at the people around me and make them feel what I feel.
I grip the counter, hang my head, I close my eyes, take a breath... and I hear a whisper:
Do you not know?
Have you not heard?
The Lord is the everlasting God,
the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He will not grow tired or weary,
and his understanding no one can fathom.
He gives strength to the weary
and increases the power of the weak.
Even youths grow tired and weary,
and young men stumble and fall;
but those who hope in the Lord
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint.
I keep my head bowed as I continue to breathe.
I see the moments, the little moments, the every day moments that what I do makes a difference.
I hear my children laughing and playing in the backyard and I remember the feeling of joy when I stop to watch them. I see my boys piled in the living room playing Black Ops II, laughing and joking. I see them come in from school with smiles and head straight to the kitchen table, never questioning what comes next, never doubting what is expected of them.
Walter coming up to wrap his arms around me and ask me what I'm doing- and really wanting to know. Always making sure to tell me he loves me before we get off the phone no matter who is around in addition to assuring me that yes, he will stay sober and yes, he will Keep All Hands, Feet, and Other Objects To himself and yes, he understands that his penis is an "Other Object."
I remember the girl's excited squeal the first time she remembered on her own that nap time comes after lunch time as she toddled off at top speed to jump in her bed and burrow under the covers with a smile. How she knocks on the window beside her bed to get my attention when she wakes up because she knows I will never be far and I will always be waiting for her. I see the way she crawls into her bed at night and looks at me in my chair with this contented look that tells me she knows I will be right there until she falls asleep. The way she softly calls my name in the morning trusting completely that I will hear her and I will come.
I see my Goofy One in his excitement to share every piece of his day with me. The way I just have to see this video or that video because he's sure I'm going to love it. The way he seeks me out just to give me a kiss. I see him happy to lay with me and read a book. Or taking over when Candy Crush makes me mad, then being sorry for me when he couldn't win either. :)
I see the absolute relief on Alex's face when I came back from taking TS potty at the park. The way he absently reaches his hand out never doubting that my hand will be right there to meet his. I hear him stand at his door in the morning quietly calling, "Good morning, good morning, good morning?" knowing I'm just a holler away. The way he stands up and looks over the bus seat to see me before giving a happy giggle and trying to jump into my arms. and the way he knows that no matter what, he is always welcome to climb in my lap, and yes, I most assuredly do have a hug for him.
That is why. That is how.
I can do this.
I open my eyes and get to work with a smile knowing my efforts are appreciated.