Friday, June 14, 2013

I lost my path...

I have a problem and I'm not sure where to start. This past month has been hard. very hard. School let out and the world spun out of control.

Alex was not happy about the change and was determined to make sure I knew that. He bolted, he threw things, he angry stimmed.... for weeks the boy was hell on wheels. He finally settled down just in time for the Goofy one to get started.

We're having a problem with Medicaid. Goofy was adopted a while back which meant my husband could put him on his insurance, which made Medicaid a secondary insurance. Things got messed up. They are fixing them but right now the Goofy one doesn't have Medicaid and we can't afford the co-pay on his medication which means the Goofy one is running out the front door, dancing on the porch I'm sexy and I know it style in his underwear, laughing his maniacal laugh then screaming like he's afraid for his life when I try to drag him back in the house. He's jumping on furniture like he really is the Red Ranger or maybe even Spiderman, even though I have never seen him glance once at anything Spiderman related, his gravity defying parkour like acrobatics reek of that radioactive-spider bitten freak.

Which combined with Walter "forgetting" his medicine and the crazy-wild neighbor boy hanging out over here with their running through the house and chasing each other all over the neighborhood, chasing each other through the house locking doors behind them, etc, etc... led to last night's argument with my husband. Thing2 told my husband the couch was broke. Like, really broke. I'm hanging my head, just waiting because I know exactly where this is going. My husband wants me to come look at it. I heard. it's broke. I don't need to look, I believe you. No, no, I had to look. fine. I looked. What do you want me to do? Stupid question. He wants me to watch the kids. I'm not even getting dragged into that so, "I've got candy to crush! and now you want me to actually watch the kids!? ain't nobody got time fo dat!" Wrong thing to say. Shit got real.

Then there was the argument over Thing2 getting one of those iphones. With internet. Are you insane!? School starts in about 8 weeks and you want to add another bill? are you crazy!? So then we get into the yearly argument about when to start school shopping. He's surprised I'm not arguing for Christmas already. No, smartass, that will be in August. but now, we need 4 hair cuts, 4 pairs of shoes, 2 backpacks- and one has to be a sturdy (expensive) backpack, 4 socks, 3 underwear, 8 outfits, extra wipes, extra diapers, snacks... and then there are school supplies! We can't do more bills, we have to get started on school stuff! After my rant, we struck a deal. Thing2 gets the iphone, I get lay-a-way. I'm cool with that.

and, can't forget the blogging problems. Not only am I getting riled by irritating topics ('cuz you know they're only talking about that crap to ruin my day, not because they have a valid reason to write), my blog domain gets all messed up. I don't know if any of you have tried to google me lately, but you won't find me at homestyle-mama.com because I no longer own it. there were things that happened and resulted in my domain being put up for auction- and bid on by someone else- so I had to start all over and then I'll start all over again Monday with my new domain, homestylemama.com.

All of this lead up to today when I looked at my computer, yet again, and wanted nothing to do with it, yet again. I don't want to see what others are posting, I don't want to share my troubles, I don't want to deal with any of it. I don't want to be in groups, I don't want to be on pages, I don't want to blog. I just want to walk away. I wonder if it's worth the trouble. I wonder why I ever started. I wonder if now is a good time to just quit. Maybe losing my domain was a sign from God. I told you guys I wouldn't be on as much during the summer but, truth is, I just don't want to be. I don't need the stress of the online world, I have enough in my real life. I don't want to do this anymore.

I talked to my friend. She said she didn't have anything she could say about blogging except a post she recently wrote, Writing and life, not necessarily in that order, which I missed because I've been hiding and wallowing in self-pity over losing my passion for the thing I am most passionate about. She made me cry. She reminded me. She reminded me of why I started, why I do what I do, why I love it, and that I do have many, many friends to help me through the hard times. She reminded me that there are people who care, people who want to hear what I have to say, people who are helped just by knowing that our crazy lives aren't so abnormal. So, thank you, C, for helping me find my purpose again, and for telling me it's worth reading. I love you, Lady, more than you could even know. and thank you all for sticking with me.

5 comments:

  1. Hope you continue to write---your blog is my favorite. I love hearing about all the kids, but Alex is my fave. I have a 4 1/2 yr old non verbal, beautiful, amazing, severely autistic grandson who I love with all my heart! Your family sorta reminds me of mine--my house is always full of people--kids mostly, and man, talk about hectic--shewwww. Anyway, hope you guys have a good summer! Oh yeah- I loved the candy crush remark! Lol!

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  2. It is worth reading... I look forward to every post... you have helped me be a better mommy...

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  3. Do. Not. Stop. Writing. Please???? I love reading what you write because I don't feel so crazy and out of it when I have my kids. I realize, I'm not alone in this. You'll make it through and find your voice again. Its tough but you will and yeah, you totally need your candy crushing time (I prefer bubble popping but I won't hold that against you)

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  4. There are times that I've felt as though I was God's whipping boy as bad luck seemed to be the only type present. It seems as though this is one of those times for you. Every time I get down, I listen to an old song by the Charlie Daniels Band from their "Saddle Tramp" album called "It's My Life". The lyrics go, "It's my life, God was the one who give it. Ain't no damn fool gonna tell me how to live it. Right or Wrong, it's my song, you can tag along, but you ain't gonna change my life." It is "Your" life. No, it's not easy, not even in the slightest bit, but it's yours. If you didn't have a tremendous amount of intestinal fortitude and love in your heart, you couldn't survive it. But you do. If you need a break from writing, take it. You know what you're capable of and what may just be too much to tackle. The kids obviously need you, and you need them. There's only so much of you to go around. Write when you can and your audience won't desert you. In fact, more people need to realize that their immediate circle demands priority consideration over the cyber world. I wish you the best in your decisions. Good Luck!

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