I'm sitting at the kitchen table with my coffee and a book. I see the Goofy One run past on his way into the living room. There's only one reason for him to try being sneaky, "BRING IT BACK!" He giggles and stays out of sight for a second. He comes back to the door, both hands raised, "What? I don't have anything." His eyes get wide and he starts dancing, I jump up and run over trying to help him get his pants off while he yells, "AHHHH! he's scratching me!" and I'm yelling, "STOP! Don't step on him!" I yank the Goofy Child up, pull his pants off and set him down well away from them. He's laughing so hard, he can hardly talk, "hahahahaha, he was scratching me like scritch scritch scritch scritch!" I dig through the pants and find the hamster, "Stop putting animals down your pants! One of these times something's going to eat your penis!" "Mom, *sigh* no it won't. You're just saying that."
Lord, have mercy.
This morning, I need to remember that laugh because I'm really not laughing. for real this time. It's too freaking early. let me finish a cup of coffee and that might change. Today, he's not bothering the hamster. well, too much. His pet of the day is the grandbaby.
Last night my husband called wanting to know if I would babysit today. I said yes. I obviously didn't think this through. I knew about the kids get up early thing, my alarm is set for 7:30 every morning, but this is just... crazy!
Again last night they slept in our bed. the grandbaby between us, the Goofy One at our feet and Marcus laying half on top of me, glaring over me at the new thing we put in our bed. I assured the cat that I had nothing to do with it. I told him we bought her her own bedding just so she would not be in our bed. He sent her a stern look and curled up at my side to go to sleep.
At 5 am, the TV started blasting. I kicked at the Goofy One, "Turn it down!" I go back to sleep. 7:15, he's standing beside me, "Mom. Mom. Mom. Hey. I got an ear confection. You need to take me to the doctor. Mom. Mom. Did you hear me?" Yes. I heard you. and so did the baby. She's up. Ok. one sec. just give me one sec. Next thing I know, he's standing on the other side of the gate, trying to convince her to crawl under and she's screaming because she can't get through. we put the gate up so she would wake us up before taking off. She woke us up, alright. Me AND Alex. :/
I let her out and go get a diaper and the Goofy one is trying to lead her places. I take her away to change her and she starts crying- "stop. crying." luckily, that works. I get her diaper changed and Goofy's trying to hand her the hamster. NO! Put it up! She cries. I let her up and check on Alex who's back in bed, go get some coffee and the Goof gave her pizza. She has texture issues but she's cool with the pizza, so I'm grateful. I turn around and they're gone. Gone and silent. F*ck.
He took her outside. I bring her back in, she cries. I get down on her level, "stop crying." she stops. I explain to her that she cannot be outside without an adult. Goof comes in bitching that I took her away and why can't he have anything!? She's not yours. you can't take her outside!!!
The Goofy Child takes off to Lord knows where. My husband calls. checking. apparently, when you are talking to your husband, you should not say, "thank God, my phone's dying. I'll call you back when I get coffee." That is offensive.
I grabbed tube #2 of diaper rash ointment from the baby and set her up with this...
and now, all of Goofy's pets are safe with her sitting behind me, the hamster at my feet, the turtle beside me, the cats smart enough to run... I am drinking my coffee and if all goes well, I might even crush some candy. and then I will call my husband back and be nice.