Wednesday, May 8, 2013

Oh, what a day...

Oh, geez. Where do I even start!?

This morning started as it usually does. I even got up a few minutes earlier than usual to get Alex a shower before school because Deciphering Morgan turned me on to some great new products to try for our skin. So, all is good, going great until I got hung up on the hoody question. Should I or shouldn't I? It feels decent and it will be a beautiful day but... should I put one on him for the morning ride? I decide better safe than sorry, throw on the hoody and his vest and get to the front door with what I thought was a minute to spare... just to see the bus pulling off. well, crap.

I have to hurry so I take him back to his room and sit him in front of the TV with an overflowing bowl of Fruit Loops. That'll keep him busy. Because all great moms count on Fruit Loops and Sesame Street to babysit. right? Thought so.

I catch the Goofy One and drag him to the shower with the threat of washing his stinky butt fully clothed if I have to. "We can do this the hard way or the easy way." Because all great moms have at some point showered a fully dressed, screaming child who's threatening you with the cops taking you to jail for violating their rights, right? Yup. Saved myself that load of laundry. Efficiency. Get him cleaned up, greased up and dressed in dry clothes in just enough time to leave for the doctor.

The doctor's appointment was a lot of the usual- don't touch that. don't touch that. don't touch that. quit ripping up his table. you can't take their scale apart. get over here. you don't summersault on the table! ... Because you'll break your head and I'm not going to the hospital today! Don't freakin touch that! Stop it. stop it. stop. it. Damnit, STOP licking things! ... Because I SAID SO! and then the doctor comes in. and there's more of the above. but in between, we discussed meds. We're going to try the Intuniv but it is risky. Intuniv's  original purpose was to control blood pressure, which means it could have side effects of lowering his blood pressure and heart rate. The problem... drumroll... his blood pressure is already low.

Why would I be surprised? My blood pressure runs low. really low. but I am. and I feel like shit. ADHD, skin allergies, seasonal allergies, itchy skin, migraines... why not pass on the abnormal blood pressure, too? right? (Is blood pressure even genetic? whatever. doesn't even matter.) So, Intuniv is risky but we'll try it for 5 days on the lowest dose. If it doesn't work, we'll look at Adderall products. I'd rather do that that risk an increase.

Then we leave. and the Goofy one decides to run down the center of the parking lot, playing chicken on foot with a car and dodging my attempts to grab him.

I pull into the driveway, scream at my husband that his son is the freaking devil and I QUIT. I run in, grab Alex, throw him in the car and while backing out of the driveway (almost into an ambulance with lights and sirens going) notice that I never took his hoody OR his vest off. (More of that awesome parenting I was telling you about.) We get to the school and I hand him off to his teacher admitting that his breakfast sucked, he's probably starving and I didn't bother to check his diaper or comfort before unloading him on her because I haven't even seen him in more than an hour. In front of the nurse.

Back at home, I want 15 minutes where not one person says a freaking word to me- not one. and my husband needs to go to Home Depot. again. fine.

Remember the Goofy one in the doctor's office? Picture it with lawn mowers and power tools. My husband says, "he's fine. He's a normal little boy, he's going to look at tools...well, not normal. but, he's a boy. boys look at tools." ok, fine. "I'm going to look at flowers." and leave him with the kids. 20 minutes later, I call. "This kid! He's climbing on the drywall!" "But, honey, he's a normal little boy...well, not normal. but he's a boy, that's what they do." "*silence*" "I'm on my way." and, repeat the scene from the doctor's office.

We get to the checkout and the Anti-Christ is spinning in circles in the middle of the wide open floor. A male worker walks by, looks at the kid and makes eye contact with me. His eyes say, woman, get your kid. My eyes say, Say something. I dare you. He walks on. and later, helps us load the truck. Very nice man.

Then comes time for Walter's appointment. Walter is hitting puberty. You know how I know this? His surly behavior isn't just for me anymore. He is sulky and quiet and rude in the way of refusing to look at the doctor when he's talking and grunting his responses instead of using actual words. I smack him on top of his hanging head with my magazine and tell him to sit up, speak up, and quit being rude. He gives me that teen boy look and straightens up for about 30 seconds. Yeah, this is going to be fun.

I get home and e-mail Goofy's teacher and nurse about his appointment and what the doctor said just to later realize, in my distracted mess, I e-mailed Alex's teacher instead. *awesome*

Then, the nurse called me. She wants to tell me that school policy is kids can't go to school on their first dose of a new medicine. Cool, because I was scared to death to send him. and I'm happy that this will give me all weekend to see how he does before he has to go back to school. "You know tomorrow's not Friday?" What!? "Tomorrow is Thursday." WHY, God, WHY!? This week is never going to end!!!

and that is when I sat down with my Bud Lite and started wondering if the Fire Department had an age limit on the kids that can be dropped off.


  1. You know they would have him back on your doorstep in 5 minutes, right? ;)

    1. Shit. he knows his address. Who's bright idea was *that*!?

      Good thinking ahead!

  2. You are my hero! It is so nice to know that I am not the only who has days where I just want to scream and cry, and much as I love my daughter sell her to the dang gypsies! Thanks for making me not feel so alone!

  3. I remember those days except I only had one to deal with and thats all I could handle anyway. Thank god for Bud lites!