Saturday, May 11, 2013

Missing My Mother

I'm having a hard time with a post for Mother's Day this year. Last year I learned that having the kids around on "my" "special day" was actually fun and a blessing and all of that crap. This year, I want that. I want my kids with me, I want to spend the day enjoying them. ...but I can't help but think of my own mother.

Where will she be? What will she be doing? Is she missing her kids? Has she found out yet how awesome it is to have your kids around you on Mother's Day? Did anyone get presents for her? If I send her one through my brother will she accept it? Or will it end up in the trash dump right beside the invitation to my wedding?

I don't feel sorry for her, she has chosen her life and, according to my brother, is doing quite well with her choices. I don't feel sorry for myself, I have chosen my life and am doing quite well with my choices. What I feel is regret.

The older I get, the older my children get, the more I can see what she did and why. I can see that she is human. She does have some character flaws but that's ok, we all do. She did make mistakes, but show me a mother who hasn't. She is a good person who did her best and now I can see that.

A good mother is not some perfect Pinterest goddess.

A good mother does what she has to do to raise her children the best that she knows how. She will stumble and fall but then she will get right up to try it again. She will try 1,000 different paths before (if ever) she finds the right one, but she will not stop searching.

In the years of raising my children, I have learned about myself and I have learned about my mother. As much as the Goofy one is his mother's child, I am my mother's daughter.

I regret that it took so long for me to see motherhood clearly, to see my mother as a normal woman, to stop comparing her to what I thought (in all my childish wisdom) a mother should be, that I don't know how to fix what's broken. It's gone on so long, I'm not sure it can be fixed.

If I could say there was one lesson my mother taught me that has more value than any other, it's to cherish my children. To never let go. No matter how hard they push me away, I will stick by their side so that one day, they are not writing a post mourning the loss of their mother, wondering if she misses them.

2 comments:

  1. Very thoughtful post. I was thinking of writing a similar one. My mother's parenting sometimes was good, others just awful. I can't make much sense of why is the way she is, but mental illness doesn't always afford others full understanding of the one's POV. So, I have to accept there is no answers in my case to why, other than she's ill. Thanks for sharing such a personal post.

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  2. hugs Mama, and that is a wonderful lesson <3

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