Thursday, January 24, 2013

Spinning in circles: when socializing isn't a good thing.

Facebook is bad for blogging. You spend too much time on there, you've got nothing to really talk about. or nothing good to talk about. Life is where you find things to talk about. Stories to share and such. The catch 22 there is I'm using facebook to figure out what the hell I'm doing in life. Don't laugh, there's logic. of a sort.

report cards came in. I already talked about that, it wasn't a fun time. Goofy's... I'm still frustrated that 3 people ignored my e-mail. I'm not sure if they didn't appreciate the undertone of the message or if they think the optometrist will wave a magic wand, but whatever. I'm not even touching his report card. signed the envelope and sent it back.

Then came Walter's report card followed by Alex's report card. Walter's report card is easily worked on because, well, he's being lazy and getting his priorities screwed up. He messed up, he can fix it. and he will fix it. Alex's report card comes with some good news, there's something in there that's easily fixed, something they may not know about my boy. and, ya know, you gotta focus on the things you can do something about, right? better than focusing on the things that just are. So, I'm sending off an e-mail.

Now, this e-mail, I ask my friends for help. I am so freaking tired of going behind people saying "you're doing it wrong." I don't want to be that mom, that person. I want to be flippin nice, man! still getting the point across, but nicely. My friend says to tell them some stuff about being a team and looking forward to working together for Alex's best interest and all of that fluffy nonsense that people put in school e-mails and I'm like, really? are you serious? she says, yeah. they like that kind of thing. and I'm thinking yeah, but... whatever. I don't mention being a team to my husband every time I want to talk to him about something and I don't tell Alex's daddy that I look forward to working with him and the school is a bigger part of our lives than he is. What's the point in stating facts that are already known? That's just annoying. pointless. things I roll my eyes at when I read because I know they're empty words. So, I ignore her advice and make the first sentence something nice that I actually mean. and then I go into the "you're doing it wrong." with some options on how to do it right, where my general frustration *may* have shown through, and some offers on what I can do at home if it's needed. (probably should have taken her advice.)(wonder if those things would work on my husband and Alex's daddy... hm. there's a thought.)

a little bit later, I get a response. I open the e-mail, read it, throw myself back in the chair in a way that would impress even Scarlett O'Hara and groan, "Oh. my. God. are you freaking kidding me!?" (yes, I took the Lord's name in vain. because it was like that.) I sat up, shot a mental glare at the principal, read it again and wondered... is she serious? Is she messing with me? I haven't quite decided if the school people are actually serious in their interactions with me or if they are just humoring me, letting me think I'm contributing to my son's education and such things that would make any difference.

So, I'm pissed off that it sounds like she's humoring me but at the same time, what if she's serious? When in doubt, which is often, I choose to take it seriously. Take her words at face value. I have an entire community to help me, does she? I know she's not on my page and I haven't seen her on anyone else's... So, I put my resources to good use and ask my friends for help. and we come up with an awesome list. I picked through and chose the ones that would fit Alex, made sure the e-mail was decent, straight forward, and no undertone, sent, and.... silence.

Alex comes home with the one thing I asked for and a note saying he did an awesome job brushing his teeth hand over hand. and I'm looking at this note and *curses*. Why are they sending a note about brushing teeth? Has he not been brushing his teeth at school? He should have been. or are they noticing that we aren't doing a very good job at all? or is it just that he did a really nice job on it? ...it feels an awful lot like a slam on my parenting... *guilty conscience*

I'm sitting here, thinking about this school and that school, this teacher, that teacher, this principal, that principal and imagining the 2 assistant principals heads whipping back and forth watching the back and forth of the game, I'm thinking of doctors and therapists and diagnoses and facebook groups and public attacks and the clashes between autistic and allistic groups and my kids and my husband and my attention being pulled between groups and pages and profiles and online and real world and all of this overwhelming amount of crap from all sides and....

I think about what I tell my boys... if every single person around you has a problem, if every flippin person around you is bat-crap insane, it's time to find the common denominator. If there is only one, that's what you need to work on. The common denominator here is me. my frustration, my anxiety, my attitude, my fear of failure, my inability to juggle everything and my need to be able to do it all - alone. I'm overwhelmed. and it's showing in the amount of patience and understanding I have for people.

Is it too late to change my New Year's Resolution? My goal for the year was socialization. but I just can't do it. It's stressing me out even more than I already was. The amount of negativity is something I just can't deal with. It's affecting me. changing my view on life, changing my view on people, changing me. In my attempt to socialize this month, I have made a few new friends, rediscovered some old bonds, a lot of good things have come from this month. enough so that I don't want to give up on it altogether, but I do need to pull back. I need to refocus my energy on what is important- my job as my boys' mother.

The last paragraph may seem like a stretch, like my socializing online has nothing to do with my interactions with the school, but it does because it sets the tone. It sets my tone, which sets the tone for everything. When it comes to my boys, I am the leader. whether it's in the house or with the school, whatever, they are ultimately my kids and until they are old enough... I make the path. I set the tone. If I am not solid on my feet, if I am spinning in circles until I am too dizzy to stand up straight, I am not cutting a clear path.

Confessions of an Asperger's Mom lays it down for her son in this post on socializing at school. I love the logic in her decision to help Red fix the circle of negativity by focusing on the things that make him feel good. I'm going to take this wise woman's advice and use it myself.

4 comments:

  1. Okay....this is going to seem a little bit off topic but I've got to share! It's like we're totally connected, man! I just wrote an article,"Spinning in Circles and Learning from Myself" which was very fun for me to write! I was thinking about how important it is to take some quiet, self-reflection time and learn from yourself. I shared a story about a time I did that when I was a teenager. It was fun!

    Then came the comments. I got busy replying to and explaining and reorganizing the presentation for commenters that I got all confused and dizzy and couldn't remember what I wrote the darn thing for in the first place!!

    Then I see your post. Then I remember! We are surrounded by all kinds of people doing all kinds of things for all kinds of reasons, and so many of those people affect OUR people so we want to know what to tell them and how to tell them and who is right and who is wrong....

    Sometimes we just need to sit in the quiet, sip a cup of coffee, move away from the clutter and judgments of others, and listen and learn from ourselves. (Like I watch you do, often!!)

    I hope you find your center and feel comfortable about what you want to do and how you want to do it soon!! Thank-you for reminding me that I can do the same!! Huge hugs lovely lady!!!

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  2. Many times I feel like I am spinning and out of control...I get depressed, overwhelmed and sad. I went into that meeting feeling like a nervous wreck. But I pulled my shit together to fight for my boy. And by the way...I was inspired by my friends on facebook.

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  3. Sounds like a classic case of Stop the World, I Want to Get Off!! Peace and I hope you find happiness in what you love to do.

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  4. Thank-you so much for writing this blog and your feelings and frustrations.. I felt as though you were writing from my brain.. my feelings; my thoughts.. I was so in-tune to what you are going through.. as I did when my daughter was at school.. I am from Western Canada and my daughter Cara is now almost 30 yrs old. I am a very tired but still ticking 55 .. I have had so many so called professionals in my face telling me what to do and how to do it but help me do it??? nope! Give me any credit for what I do or have done!!1 Rarely very rarely.. realize that this is my life and I live it and am so so tired from sleepless nights due to my daughter's seizures.. nope! Listen to me that I may know my daughter better than you a person who may have only known her for a few times or a month ?? nope! Leaving me feel the same way that I was not good enough for my own daughter..and a dud as a and person in general?.. YES! How dare they!!! How dare they!!!...as they go home at the end of their ..what 4 5 6 hour day.. to their typical normal kids and happy intact family and money where I have none? tons of energy to clean their home or have the maid do it.. of any of this .. and am struggling with the bare necessities and an ex Baby Daddy of 15 yrs in our life who is passive agressive and was no help but a hindrence to myself and my daughter. They just wait for me to mess up and then they pounce in their almighty kingdom of I know better I am better.. i could ahve done it better!! did it harm me ?? yes anxiety depresssion exhaustion to this day 25 plus years later.. is my daughter happy.. YES Is she well cared for .. YES is she living in my home at 30 yes!! Has the weight of the amount of work and responsibility lifted? No.. How about these so-called specialists.. hmmm good money paid off house kids on their own or in college??? yes.. many holidays yes.. full nights sleep yes..years of all this yes.. I could go on.. but I can look myself in the mirror and know I did/do my best and my daughter has and is being well cared for in our home..She is a loveable sweet and gentle young lady whom I am so proud of.. did they do this?? no.. Now I still wait for the next hurdle to jump that an angecy or gov't body for funding throws in my direction.. I let any of these past and present specialists spend time in our shoes.. hugs to all the special needs parents out there that are doing their best ..thank-you so much for letting me into your life .. the specialisrts/ school personnel would never last a day let alone a life time with what we do.. I hope there is a special place in heaven for them to learn about us as they certainly don't learn here on earth. Don't give up Moms and Dads... we do know our kids !!! they don't !!we live it!! they don't !!! Some may get it but most won't don't let them bring you down.. move on and upward and keep the embers burning..keep faith that you are the best for your child and there are people out there to help advocate for us and our children so we don't have to go iot alone all the time.. surround yourself with people that understand our lives :) Very Sincerely, Dena

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