Tuesday, December 4, 2012

War has been declared!

The following is a series of true events. Serious. I don't think anyone, even Dean Koontz with his twists and turns and Odd characters with downright otherworldly happenings, could make this shit up.

First was the mysterious vanishing of the shock tarts and sour gummy strips from the top of the refrigerator... twice. *Nobody* did it. and left no witnesses or clues. Not even an empty wrapper. What *nobody* did leave were 2 boys moaning and groaning, crying and mourning the loss of their sweet and sour candy. This rules out Goofy and the Little D because of the whole no evidence thing. Remember when *nobody* magic markered the back of the house and somehow left blue magic marker smudges all over the Goofy one and the LD? Oh, wait. That wasn't *nobody*, that was *I don't know* and *wasn't me*. Same thing. Wasn't the smallest heathens stealing their own candy.

Then came the disastrous disappearance of my carefully concealed Mountain Dew. I'm telling you, I hid that sucker good. real good. but, obviously, not good enough. This rules out Thing2. He stole my soda one time. A gentle reminder that he may want to be careful drinking after me considering the places my mouth roams disgusted him enough to never touch my beverages again.

Then came what I had thought at the time was the last straw. I skipped supper because we were having tacos. I hate tacos. they are so yucky. So, I go to the refrigerator and pour myself a nice cup of milk and take it to my Perfect Chair to watch The Big Bang Theory. I arrange my things just the way I want them and mosey on over to my underwear drawer- the safest place in a house full of boys- to find ... nothing! I searched that drawer and could not believe I was coming up empty handed. I looked every-freakin-where and came to the conclusion that they were gone. Gone! That is IT! I will not stand for this madness! Foolish children, you want to mess with a woman's Double Stuff Oreo's!? You're toast. I will get you, my pretties, and your plastic licking cat, too! I know that cat was in on it. I know it. I can't bring out my delightful treat without that cat snuggling up beside me to try to lick the package.

... totally unrelated question... anyone up for some Chinese?

So, my wheels start turning. How shall I get even? Oh, the possibilities! Revenge is so much more amusing than discipline. many, many more options...

Then. Instead of the simple open invitation to enjoy myself in plotting and pursuing a pleasant (for me) course of action that was initially extended by foolhardy thievery of sacred objects, the child upped the ante in a stupid way.

This morning, I put my plotting aside (temporarily) to get the boys ready for school. As my attention was diverted the demonic force in question had some moments on his own with no supervision because what 12 year old needs to be in mommy's sight at all times!? or so I thought. I got rid of a few kids (legally) and went to top off my cup of cold coffee when I saw what he had done... He had filled the 1/2 empty decanter with milk! Filled it!

So, now that you know the full story, any ideas on how the teach the impertinent child a lesson?

1 comment:

  1. I had a cat that licked plastic incessantly, too...it drove me absolutely nuts! I suggest next time you scrape the icing out of your double stuff oreos and replace it with toothpaste...or bake up a nice batch of cookies with 10x the recommended salt...or shake up your Mountain Dew before hiding it...the possibilities go on and on...good luck Mac!