Saturday, April 14, 2012

Rebel Souls

I was linked in this blog post, which I would have shared anyway since she let me know she wrote it because, come on, it's Rebel Souls. A blog filled with light but still recognises the darkness. I've said it before and I will continue to say it- I love her view. I love that she shares with us the GOOD in having autistic children. I love my son, I love everything about him. I am ok with him having Autism but I lose my way in the blogs filled with darkness and pain as well as the difficulties in my own life with my own children. Things get hard and hectic. I spiral down into the busyness and chaos of having so many people in my family looking to me for answers, looking for me to take care of all things and I forget to stop and look, really look at my child, at my children and remember why they are so absolutely perfect just as they are. I get lost in the dark and can't even see that I'm there. Then I read what she has to say and she sucks me back into the light. This woman is my anchor. In every. single. blog post, she reminds me of a truth I have lost sight of.

"The hard only seems just that, hard, not hate inspiring."


This is true. Beautifully and brilliantly true. I love my children, that fact never gets lost. No matter what is going on I love them. I love my family. I adore my husband. My days get hard sometimes but never to the point I resent the people for "making" them hard. They are not perfect, I am not perfect. I get angry, I get frustrated, I get worn out and beat down. There are days I want to cry and ask myself why I put myself through it. There are days I wonder what our days would be like without Autism, without the possibility of Asperger's, without ADHD, without Bi-Polarism. I sit and wonder and get so very tired but in the end all it does is weigh on me. It doesn't change the diagnoses, it doesn't change the difficulties, it doesn't change a thing except my own view on it.


"If you don't like the view, change your perspective."


Is there ever a day that not one single good thing happens? Not one thing every day that you can't smile and say, "God, I love this child!" "I have been blessed!" I've said before, I can't say I hate autism but I can't say I love it either, and I still say it, I still mean it. I can't say one way or another because autism is only part of it. Autism is part of Alex but it's not all of Alex, it's pervasive, going all through, all in but it's not everything that is him. There are things he does that I don't like, there are things I do. In the end it all comes down to this one question.

And I thank Rebel Souls for always reminding me of that. For not losing her path, for sharing it with others. I am thankful that she is brave enough in a world full of darkness to shine her light no matter what people say about it.

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