My Dear, sweet, loving friend,
I love you with all my heart and have since the moment I set eyes on you and I know I won your heart the moment my brother poked me really, really hard in the leg with a painfully sharp stick for telling your daughter to watch how she talked to you in front of me at the zoo. You are my soul mate, you were meant for me... BUT, you are soooo very WRONG!!! Sometimes, duct tape is the only answer...
Do you remember the first time you came over and Big Daddy and my brother ganged up on me and you thought it was hilarious when I got my wooden spoon? Well, duct tape doesn't break ;)
and do you remember when I told you about Thing 2 thinking he was the funniest thing ever until his Aunt and Thing 1 duct taped him to the tree out front?
Or when I told you about Big Daddy and Thing 1 trying to hold me down handcuff me? well, duct tape stretches farther than handcuffs and duct tape doesn't leave bruises. Maybe if they had used duct tape they would have been successful and I wouldn't have worn the evidence for weeks after.
and remember when Thing 1 was being a pain in the a$$ (because, when is he not?) and the Aunt and Thing 2 turned him INTO a roll of duct tape?
Or when Thing 1 decided he was big and bad and put me and Big Daddy into a position where we had no choice but for Big Daddy to hold him down while I tied his shoe laces together? Would have been easier with duct tape...
and remember the other day when Thing 2 was running his mouth all. freaking. day. long. because I made his underage friend take his cigarette and leave and I begged and begged and begged you to bring me duct tape to wrap around his mouth to make him shut. up.? and you said noooo, that's "child abuse"... so I asked you to bring a priest and you didn't? and then you didn't even bring the whiskey you promised... ?
So, you see, my beautiful lady? Sometimes, duct tape IS the answer. and ha.